Unloved

"Do you know that as a child you were loved?"

I woke to a panic attack because of this question posed to me in a dream. I started to bawl. I am reading the book "Shame Lifter" by Marilyn Hontz and have always known I have a deep child hurt. I have never been able to "touch" it, to discover it, to put it into words. I dreamt I was a child and was around a picnic table. A man asked me, "Do you know that as a child you were loved?". The "asker" of this question was God. The face I saw was my current Sunday school teacher. A Godly man that I respect. In my dream I immediately fell to the ground and curled up in a tight ball and WOKE! I found myself awake and in a panic attack. I couldn't breath. My chest was tight and I was on the verge of heart wrenching tears.

I have always wondered about love and my insatiable need for it. In one sense this seems so strange. I KNOW my parents loved me as a child...or did I. As an adult, I realize that they did but I do not believe that as a child I KNEW this or felt love. A child is not mature enough to work through the ways a parent shows love. For instance; bringing home a paycheck or fixing dinner. These things don't say "I love you!" to a child. Pulling them close and hugging and kissing them, cuddling with them. THAT is love to a child.

Many of my dreams through the years have been of love. Trying to fix old relationships that went wrong so that I was stilled loved. I have also experienced nightmares. Waking up to the terror and anger that Frank had had an affair. This was my fear of losing love. It is very frightening to me.

I can see how these feelings of being unloved and fears have shaped my life.

I have always said to Frank "You are the only one that has ever spoiled me." The lie that I believed, that I was unable to verbalize was "You are the only one that has ever LOVED me." I have spent the years of our marriage seeking reassurance. Asking "Do you love me? Do you REALLY love me?"

To think that I believed that I was unloved. I know that there are people that love me. But my heart believes the lie that their love for me is temporary. Eventually they will see me for me and be annoyed or disappointed and I will experience rejection.

UNLOVED. What do I do with this childhood hurt. I know that I must fight it with scripture.

I want to examine these feelings. And then examine my life...earlier decisions that I made, relationships I had and have now. I feel like I found a piece to the puzzle that has been missing. A piece that can help me work through the insecurities that I have had for so long. Insecurities that have effected my speech, decisions, relationships, and confidence.

The question posed to me was done in a compassionate and affirming way. Almost as if it could have been a statement and not a question.

Do you know that as a child you were loved.

VS.

Do you know IF as a child you were loved.

Only God could reveal something so profound to me in a dream. It is as if God himself was saying "Yes, you were loved!" Answering the question that my child heart still needed an answer to.

I want this now "opened" space in my heart to be filled by God's unconditional and unchanging love for me. I WILL experience the love I know already exists. I WILL replace the lies with God's TRUTH.

I am no longer "unloved" I AM LOVED!